


Archangel and the Red Devil

by MinMaxie



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Married Life, Porn Watching, Post-Mass Effect 3, Smut, Wedding Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 21:18:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11388624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinMaxie/pseuds/MinMaxie
Summary: So, I thought to myself: What if someone made a cheesy porn based off the Archangel mission?Also, what if Garrus really liked it?  And what if that ‘someone’ … was me.Technically NSFW, but it's stupid, cheesy, and done in parody.





	Archangel and the Red Devil

**Author's Note:**

> My first work, so it's a bit dated, but it still makes me laugh.
> 
> Kudos make me smile, Comments give me life, and Crit makes me a better writer. I love them all. Blow up my inbox.

* * *

Garrus woke with a lazy yawn.  The scents of fresh sheets, distant Citadel, yesterday’s heatsinks, and the sweet and spicy smell of Shepard’s pillow swirled inside his sinuses like they did every morning and he almost cried.  Shepard had finally taken him somewhere nice.

* * *

“Long ago, you took a risk. A lovesick, hot-headed turian cop begged to let him join you on a mission he had no business going on, and you said yes.  Now… here we are, and I’m begging again for a chance at something I have no reason to ask for.  But this time, I promise before every single god and spirit between us…”  

Garrus held Ruby Shepard’s face softly in his black gloved hands and, with a fair amount of nervousness, a long finger stretched to turn off her translator.  He twisted his head slightly to gather himself then met her eyes with a sense of purpose.

“ _Ru-bee. I ill all'hays haf ‘our six, I hill al'hays…bee at hor side, and I hill ne'er, e'er, take hor trusst or lo-ve for grrant'ed._ ”

For a second, Garrus was afraid that his English was too broken and scratchy to understand, but the risk was worth it.  He couldn’t always predict how his multi-toned language would translate to hers, and the last thing he wanted was for her to misunderstand him even the tiniest bit.  Not here, not today.

After half a moment of near silence, only slightly broken by swallowed gasps and covered whispers in the crowd, Shepard began to tremble.  Then, for the first time ever (at least while in full view of the public), his precious Ruby’s eyes filled with tears and her white, silk gloves reached up to cover his.  He fluttered his mandibles in a small, happy smile.  Weeks of research and dozens of hours of practice had all been worth it just to experience this exact reaction on her tiny, human face.

“Garrus.  That was…the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard!” She swallowed to keep herself from sobbing, but it only bought her a second or two. “How am I supposed to follow that??”  

Before he even knew what was happening, she broke right through every tradition he had come to expect from this ceremony and Ruby lept into his arms with a blur of tears and white fabric.  He purred with pure happiness and held her close with open palms across her upper and lower back.  Species be damned, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

“I had a whole speech ready and everything,” she said into his neck before pulling away and wiping a tear from her eye.  "But here’s the important part.  'Sickness and health’, 'Rich and Poor’, even 'till death do us part’ just feels…. cliché. Meaningless even.“  

Her silky hand caressed his old scars and he couldn’t help but lean into it.  

"The truth is, we’ve conquered all of that a hundred times already.   All I want, in this entire universe, is to go through whatever Heaven or Hell this world can throw at us a thousand more times with you. There is no Shepard without Vakarian.”

“And….therr iss no V'kahrian 'ithout She-parrd.”

Their voices hummed excited, loving tones and the tiny distance between their faces was almost painful.  She waved a hand to the official and finally broke.  "Please… Admiral…Just skip to the end.“  


The words "husband” and “wife” shot through them like a sniper bullet and they crashed together before their cue.  


It didn’t matter, the crowd roared anyway.

* * *

As of last night, that hybrid ceremony was two years ago.  Garrus had obsessed over their anniversary for weeks.  The gifts, the dinner reservations, show tickets, her breakfast (and even what he wanted to try in bed that night) were all carefully planned and went off without a single hitch.  Ruby had tried to tell him that it wasn’t necessary, but he didn’t listen. She always loved it, and Garrus always felt better when he had a solid plan.

Garrus reached his arms out in front of him in a long stretch and ran the talon of his thumb around the platinum ring on his left most finger.  He was almost 36 years old now, and still very much a turian, and yet that little metal band meant everything to him.  

What did she call him back then?  "Bridezilla"?  Maybe that was fair, but he was nervous as hell and, again, he liked having a solid plan.

“Good morning,” he purred happily as he rolled over, but his heart sank when he found an empty bed.  He sat up with a start and grabbed his omnitool only to find a message blinking at him.

> Received: 0725 CSST  
> 
>     Hey honey!  Sorry for bailing so early, but you’re out of  _cava_ and I’m out of hair soap.  So, I ran to the store.  
> 
>     Be back in about an hour.  Text if you need anything else.  <3"
> 
>     ~Ruby Shepard-Vakarian  

The last symbol made Garrus’s mandibles flick in amusement.  His former CO was sending him nonsense symbols humans called 'emoji’.  Turians had something similar, but they rarely translated right and only pre-military fledglings used them.  It was okay though, he was glad that he wasn’t the only one who felt like a teenager with a crush.

His new wife was perfect, his life was perfect, and he let out a long, sleepy breath of blissful happiness.

His omnitool rang again. 

>  Received:0745 CSST
> 
>     Last night was amazing btw ;)
> 
>     ~Ruby Shepard-Vakarian

 Memories of their late night, slightly drunken bed sport came flooding back in full force.  The way she threw her head back, screaming in pleasure, the half-healed circular scars from his teeth on full display as they trailed down her collar like a necklace.  

Then he remembered the night he made those scars….their wedding night.  He had bitten and scratched her many times before then (it seemed to please her), but that was the first time neither of them reached for the medigel.  The wounds healed slowly, naturally, unaided by all forms of medical attention and she wore those scars proudly, saying they looked “badass”.  He doubted she would ever fully understand how amazing that made him feel on so many different levels.

He read her messages again, eyes lingering on her signature that publicly promoted her new name, “Ruby Shepard Vakarian”.  The words repeated in his head over and over until he fell back on the bed and growled into her pillow.   
_Ruby Vakarian he thought…MY Ruby Vakarian…my heart, my soul, my bondmate, and my wife!  Forever…._

The thought of someone so amazing being his forever shot his fuzzy happiness into full-fledged arousal.

0801, he still had some time.

Garrus flipped his omnitool’s extranet search feature into privacy mode and tapped in the long-memorized web address of his very favorite vid.  He hadn’t really watched it since the Reaper War, because it wasn’t appropriate.  For the first few months Shepard was dying in a hospital bed and after that, well, he had the real thing and didn’t need a stupid vid.  But he had heard other, newer versions were out and horny, nostalgic curiosity got the better of him.  He pressed play and flipped it to the big screen on the wall.

 

**_“Archangel and the Red Devil”_ **

****

The familiar title flashed up across a poorly staged rendition of a destroyed apartment on Omega. The sky seen out the background window matched the station’s sickly red hue, but his intimate experience told him that the scene was really filmed in a seedier section of Ilium.  All of Omega’s buildings were tan stucco or a series of interlocking, pre-fab metal boxes, and this place was inside a fully constructed building.  It was a laughable oversight, but he wasn’t exactly the person this vid was made for.

Garrus braced for, in his mind, one of the worst crimes of all.  A turian in dark blue and black armor pretended to shoot a replica Mantis out an imaginary window towards the camera, but the sound they used was the unmistakable crack of a Widow.  Sure, the Widow  _sounded_ more impressive, but it echoed so loudly that it gave away your position…hence why he never used one.  A properly calibrated Mantis II could easily match the firepower but made about half as much noise.

“Headshot!” the turian actor yelled.

Garrus crossed his arms in a huff.  He did  _not_  sound like that…. right?

“Are you…. Archangel?”

“Who’s asking _…human_.”

Garrus couldn’t tell what about the woman was most plastic looking, her armor, her Carnifex, or her giant, “bolted-on” breasts.  The woman took off her 'helmet’ and shook out her long, flowing, blood red wig.  

“I’m Commander Shepard,” the plastic woman said, pretending to be winded.  Garrus clicked his mandibles with smug condescension.   _HA!  You wish._

“My ship’s been shot down by Geth, I’ve lost my crew, and I’m stranded here on Omega. Can you help me?”

The turian took off his helmet, pulled the fake Mantis into his lap (with  _the worst_  gun safety practices Garrus had ever seen) and sat back on some crates behind him.  

“Commander Shepard? I thought you were dead.”

The woman exaggerated her gasp.  "You!  You’re Archangel??“

This moment right here, was why Garrus kept coming back to this, admittedly, stupid low-budget vid. A few years ago, the turian look-alike with poorly applied clan paint was convincing enough that he could imagine himself in his place.  Mostly, this is how Garrus  _wished_ their Omega reunion would have gone, and maybe how it really could have been…if he had been able to think straight at the time.

"I am,”  _cocky bastard._ “Just trying to bring some turian justice to an unjust place.” He stood up and closed the distance between them. “But…it’s hard to be an angel, without the devil by my side.”

Garrus paused the vid and twisted his head around, thinking he heard a door open, but the apartment fell silent so he slowly turned back and let the racy show resume. He’d never admit it to anyone, especially not Shepard, but he secretly loved this vid.  It was such a guilty pleasure, watching the outside world’s view of their relationship…he couldn’t turn away.  It made him cringe but, Spirits, it was still so good.

Also, he was thankful that they never actually said his real name.

“I…. never thought I’d see you again.  You left so fast, I never got to say goodbye,” fake Shepard said helplessly while batting her fake green eyes and dragging red, glued on nails down the turian’s fabricated chest plate.  

“I had to,” the turian look alike said gruffly. “There’s too much I… couldn’t bear to tell you.”

The man’s hand reached up to hold hers, but his face turned away as if she was painful to look at. The redhead brought a single, boney finger up to the actor’s plated chin and started to pull his gaze back to hers.

Garrus had pretty much forgotten about his erection.  He just sat there, propped up against the headboard and casually leaning his head on a set of knuckles.  He had no idea how this story leaked or who made this vid, but he knew one thing: he owed somebody a beer.

Shots rang out and the two actors pulled each other down behind cover, the camera changed to follow them.  

“Ah! They shot the lock off my armor!”

_Heh, give that merc a raise._

“How am I supposed to fight when my chest plate won’t close?“  She pretended to push her costume N7 armor back together, but only succeeded in highlighting her gigantic silicone tits.

The young turian cursed and pushed back down.   
"Forget it Shepard, it doesn’t matter now.”  A strangely ungloved finger drew a painfully slow line down the woman’s half exposed body. It started with an innocent brush of hair behind her ear, but then the talon traced her jawline, followed a muscle down her neck, used the line of her clavicle to make a turn, and scratched a captivating white line down her center as if dividing her in two.  

“These mercs have us pinned, armored or not, we’ll be dead within minutes.”

The woman’s arms creeped up the man’s cowl and gave him a mischievous look that was almost shockingly accurate and definitely familiar.

“You still have heatsinks.  Don’t you? Archangel?”  

The actor clicked his mandibles with an implied “Go on…”

“And your big, powerful gun still works… right?” she cooed as her fingers unclipped the collar of his armor.  

“Oh, it does,” fake Archangel said annoyingly smoothly.  "And it’s as accurate as ever.“  He stretched out his long tongue and licked one of her awful breasts.  

The hand that wasn’t keeping Garrus’s head up slipped underneath the sheets.

"Then come on Angel,”  She woman said in a breathy voice and a shake of her wig.  “Take this devil on one last ride.”  She dug her red nails behind his fringe and winked.  "Let’s go out with a bang.“

Both turians growled in unison as the plastic woman cocked her fake pistol with her teeth.  

The camera shifted again as not-actually Archangel lifted almost Shepard up onto the crates.  He stripped the rest of her armor off in a flash as she unclipped the plates of foam and acrylic covering his hips.  The turian knelt as he pulled a tiny undergarment off her body with his teeth and grabbed the ‘Mantis’ from where he left it before.

Then they did something so creative that Garrus sincerely wished he had the mental capacity to try it back then.  

The human wrapped her legs above the turian’s hip spurs as he thrusted himself inside her.  Once settled in, he sat her up and positioned her left hand back to prop her up then rested his sniper rifle on her shoulder like a sandbag.  Garrus knew that, if the gun had been real, the woman would have gone deaf and had deep, painful burns all over her torso, but that’s the great thing about fantasy… it doesn’t have to make sense.

Garrus absent-mindedly stroked himself as he watched, completely captivated by the erotica. The two actors growled and screamed while massacring dozens of imaginary assailants.  The man sniped out the window behind her, and the woman used her pretend Carnifex to pick off the mostly human and salarian extras that stumbled through the door behind him.  It hit a little close to home.  The two of them desperately hungry for each other while never forgetting to cover their partner’s six.  All other sins aside, at least they got that part right. 

An asari must have directed this.

"I think… that’s the last of them,” Fakeangel huffed while slowly lowering his gun.

“Just in time,” Shepard-ish replied as she glanced at her pistol.  "I’m almost spent.“

A long, blue tongue ran down the woman’s neck and he growled into her chest. "Then let’s finish this Shepard.”  The actor’s eyes weren’t naturally blue like his were, but the predatory stare was still recognizable.  

Secretly, Garrus hoped he looked at least half that convincing when he looked at real Shepard that way.  Smutty vid or not, he had to hand it to the male lead - the man could act.  Clearly, his specialty was alien bad boy.  Garrus told himself that the actor wasn’t nearly as suave as he tried to be, but then realized that he was probably just shielding his own ego.

_“Doesn’t matter…”_  he thought to himself.   _“The REAL Commander Shepard married me.  And when my legendary wife gets home, I’m gonna make her beg like Menae all over again.”_ Garrus trilled to himself in excitement.  _"The whole damn Citadel will file a noise complaint.“_

The naked woman on the screen let out a pained gasp as the mostly armored turian flipped her on her stomach, dug his talons into her waist, and grabbed a fistful of red hair with his other hand.  With a savage pull, the man yanked the human face up off the metal boxes; leaving her at the perfect angle to see those fake green eyes genuinely roll back into her head as he slammed into her again with a long, clicking growl.  She shrieked when he nipped at her shoulder and moaned as he licked the sweat off her spine.  Her climax was powerful and swift, and he wasn’t far behind. Unfortunately, as it is in most vids of this nature, the turian withdrew and she turned around.  Kneeling on the lowest of the boxes, the porn star opened her mouth and allowed him to release his seed all over her flushed face and glistening chest.  

Then she screamed.

"Watch out!”  but it was too late.

 

Lights and computer-generated fire made the screen fade white.  When color returned, the only sound was a high-pitched ring and the woman’s muffled cries.

“Archangel! No… not like this.  Not you too!”

The helmetless, half armored man lay on the ground in a puddle of fake blood, although most of his body was hidden by her naked, sticky one.

The sound of a gunship rotated through the bedroom’s surround speakers and an evil voice laughed.

“Well, well… Looks like one rocket isn’t enough to take out both of you xenophiles!”  

The viewpoint changed to a batarian pilot in the cockpit of a gunship, laughing with hate and disgust.

“Humans and Turians were never meant to be together.  You disgrace this whole galaxy!”

Garrus flicked his mandibles a few times with excitement and clicked out a kind of laugh.  This was, maybe, his favorite part.  He didn’t actually know what Shepard’s real reaction was (for obvious reasons), but he liked to think it was this.

The camera drew in close to the woman’s enraged eyes as they slowly pulled up from her turian lover. Her jaw slid to the side so tight you could almost hear her teeth crack.

The shot pulled wide as she grabbed something from out of frame and screamed at the gunship.

“You’re going to pay for killing my Angel!”

Then the camera switched to a low shot of the naked, sweaty, human woman - chest still dripping with iridescent turian seed and legs wide enough to see her own wetness - as she hoisted up the largest, replica rocket launcher Garrus had ever seen and fired it with her plastic face twisted into a snarl.

“That bastard died WAY too quick…”

Garrus fumbled for the pause button on his omnitool while as his head snapped towards the open bedroom door.  His neck was so hot and flushed she probably felt it from there.

“HI! SWEETIE!” he said way too loudly, sub vocals trembling wildly.  Ruby Shepard-Vakarian was leaning in the door frame, calmly sipping on coffee.  Her eyes blinked over to meet his, and he couldn’t tell if she was honestly amused or if this was just the calm before the storm.

“So,” she said while taking another sip.  "How long you been sitting on this one?“ 

Garrus hands covered his lap with stiff embarrassment and he tried to sneak away from her silent, frightening stare.

"I, uh, just found it.  We’re living of royalties from something right?  Thought I’d look it up, you know?”

 She slurped her drink loudly and he dared to look over.  Her eyes were locked on him over her mug and she raised a knowing brow. It was over, he was caught blue handed… literally.  The secret was out and, like a good turian and/or proper husband, he came clean.

“Ok, ok… I found it shortly after I got back to Palavan, but I think it came out before then.”

Ruby set her drink down on the bedside table and crossed her arms against her stomach.  She smirked as she started drumming four, short blue nails against her side.  The foul woman was teasing him.  In human body language, she was clearly pissed… but in turian body language she was practically massaging her breasts.  And they both recognized it immediately.

“Funny,” she said raising her other hand to her chin.  "Most of the people who know about that meeting are dead…“ She blinked at him with a very silent, very serious question.  Garrus jumped to his own defense.

"Woah!  Ruby!  Hey, I had NOTHING to do with this!  I just found it one night!”  His bride was in full “Commander” mode now and he felt like an insubordinate whelp for the first time in years.  He stretched his neck in nervousness.

“Just…'found’ it, huh?”

“I  _missed_ you!”

“Were there… a lot of vids like this?”

She was biting her lip in a rare display of discomfort as she looked at the now dark screen.  The scars along her face were long since healed, but the way the light of the apartment washed over her cheeks from behind Garrus could faintly see the thin, lightly colored lines where the angry, glowing wounds from her reconstruction used to be.  Maybe the actress in the vid was more classically “sexy”, by human standards at least, but she didn’t even come close to the fierce, soft beauty of the woman standing in front of him.  The hero, the legend, the  _real_ Commander Shepard was not only alive but agreed to sign a mortgage with him.  

His eyes trailed down to her shoulder.  For the last two years, or at least since she didn’t have to wear military regulation clothes, Ruby had started wearing these outfits that drove him crazy.  Sometimes the tops were sleeveless or only supported by tiny straps, but his favorites were the ones like she wore now.  Long, flowing sweaters, belted at the waist, with these wide neck holes that fell off to one side–exposing the imprint of his teeth for the whole galaxy to see.  The expertly paired, skin tight, elastic pants accentuated every curve of her legs and the whole outfit screamed, “I know I’m hot, but I’m  _very_  taken.  Yes, he’s Turian. Fight me.”

As impossible as it seemed, Garrus loved her more and more everyday… and today was clearly no different.

The nervous fears fell away almost instantly and he reached for her.  One long finger hooked inside Shepard’s belt and pulled her closer. She let out a tiny peep of surprise and his chest rumbled in response.   Arms wrapped around her tiny waist, he lifted her up and onto the edge of the bed.

“There aren’t as many as you might think,” he purred into her neck.  "However, you were still pretty famous back then, so some vids existed.  But, this was of the first ones to feature a turian.“  

Her muscles relaxed against him, this tactic was working.

"Well….at least  _this_  turian.”  He bumped her head lovingly with his nose and she started to smile.  

“Let me guess,” she said half laughing.  "The other ones were vengeful and slightly racist?“

Garrus groaned and shook his head. "You have  _no idea._ There is some terrible stuff out there.  Makes me feel, what’s the word…'rape-y’?”

Shepard stuck the tip of her tongue out with an almost real gag.  "People are gross…”  

Garrus held her tighter and purred the way she liked.  "That’s why I like this one.  It’s campy and cheesy, but the only person who cares that we’re 'different’ gets blown up in spectacular fashion.“  

She snorted a laugh, and he pulled her chin towards his face.  "Looks like someone out there knew what  _this_  was before we did.”

Ruby closed her eyes and their heads came together.   Her closed smile let out a relaxed sigh that almost sounded like a purr and Garrus’s tones lit up in kind.  Their mixed language was, possibly, the best part of their relationship.  He had picked up a few human phases and gestures, and when they were alone she often used more sounds than speech.  Their translators could malfunction at any point and it was entirely possible that they wouldn’t even notice it for a couple days.

For the second time this morning, Garrus was blissfully happy.

Then, without any warning, Ruby threw a knee over his lap.  Garrus’s fully re-energized erection throbbed against the tight, thin sheet between them.  It’s possible he let out a chirp.

“I’m still mad at you,” she said by puffing a short growl out the side of her lips.  He tilled his head and thrilled with surprised confusion.  She ran her nails down his arm and tapped his omnitool, making the vid restart from the beginning.

“Headshot!”

She smirked, he growled through barred teeth, and they lunged at each other in a blur of sheets and tongue.


End file.
